Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Runaway Bride Syndrome

In the movie Julia Roberts character takes on the traits and likes of her fiances and bails before ever getting married.  She gets a panic attack and eventually realizes that its because she doesn't know who she really is.  I got married young.  20 years old. I didn't feel young then and thought I had life pretty figured out.  Something happened along the way to where I feel like I have to rediscover everything about "ME".  I don't know if its because I had four kids when I was between the age of 23 and 29, or if its because we moved so many times, but I just don't know who I am anymore!  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my younger self but she doesnt stay around long enough for me to truly recognize her.

When I was living at home I was a second mother to my siblings, a girlfriend to my now husband, a daughter that couldn't wait to spread her wings, a friend that had very little time for friendship.  I laughed more, could eat anything I wanted and still sport size 4 pants, and I could live off three hours of sleep!  Now, not much has changed except my diet and pants - and my siblings are too far away and too old for me to "mother". Who am I now that my baby is almost three?  What am I supposed to do with my life?  I feel like my life is starting over at age 32 and I don't know where to go!
I am giving it all over to God.  Its the only thing I know to do. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So, while I leave my future up to God, I am going to rediscover who I am. Like Julia Roberts character- I am searching for more about me.  Music, entertainment, food, etc  I am on a mission :)  Also like the character I do know what kind of eggs I like for breakfast: over easy :)

I know that the closer I get to God, the more of His gifts and qualities I will find.  This is exciting!  I have been so lost and felt so closed off that I haven't even been able to seek after God.  I feel I have been in the vice of doctrine for so long I haven't been able to break free to feel the love of God through His word.  I am not 100% now, but I am exercising my faith.  "Faking it until I make it." I'm putting my running shoes on and sprinting towards God.  Trusting Him to catch me and lead me.  I am after all His bride :)


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